Steps and Sand

Those who have followed my journey for a time can attest to this place being an oblesk to all things significant in my world. For a long time, I have wandered through a mist, without concept of direction, while there were patches of clarity, I eventually learned that these were transient. For that reason, I have been hesitant to come here, to place any more markers in these sands.

This morning, I return to commit a few more precious moments to the sands. Clarity is still elusive, however it is undeniable that in the past few weeks, a small cluster of actions have occurred which alone are worthy of a place in my history. Irrespective of what may come from these things, at the moment they bring me happiness and hope, and should therefore be remembered for times where the murk behooves the light to yield.

At the beginning of the year, I embarked with much trepidation on the Certificate in ICT. Because I had walked this path before and found it fruitless, I considered that to retrace it may be futile, but as ever my lust to progress toward better pastures overrode my fears.

What followed was a difficult period, wherein a great many tests were put before me. These tests concerned not only my academic knowledge, but my patience, commitment and ability to survive multiple natural disasters in quick succession.

Every interaction one undertakes serves to change him in a manner relative to the significance of that interaction. These tests have changed me incrementally in a number of different ways. Some major gaps in my knowledge of mathematics have been filled and my innate distaste for mathematics problems is slightly less pronounced than it was when I began this process.

Those who have graced these sands in times past might remember that in order to become employable, I must attain a degree. It is a requirement that those entering the degree program at my chosen house of learning must first attain the certificate. It is with great joy that I can claim to have done this and shall shortly embark upon my journey toward a qualification and gainful employment thereafter.

Apart from my academic achievements of late, I must also acknowledge the entry of a small number of significant people into my world. Though this journey is in its infancy, it has already rendered a great happiness upon me, which has been absent for a great many moons. To that which does, and those who do I give my thanks.

Dissidents In The Temple

It has been said that one’s body is a temple, this often leads to vision of a holistic and well balanced approach to life. I take no exception to the suggestion that balance in life is something to be strived for and maintained, yet there exist scenarios in which this is not feasible. There have been dissidents in my temple for as long as I have inhabited it, ergo functioning in the face of internal descent so a concept only too familiar to me. In spite of knowing how best to deal with these dissidents, they still represent a significant source of stress in my life.

The stress does not relate directly to the fact that there is a certain degree of non-compliance involved, rather it is centered on the fact that the dissidents appear immune to the gravity which constrains the temples other inhabitants to varying degrees as circumstance requires. This immunity is the factor which significantly complicates the vast majority of critical situations. As I have sought to find work, the complicators have endeavored to make themselves increasingly more overt as my search has progressed.

I found a job whose description matched my desires perfectly with the exception of travel requirements. The complicators have influenced things such that I might not operate a motor vehicle and so even the occasional travel required by the role in question would appear to prohibit me to do a job which otherwise I would be capable of. This makes me extremely sad and frustrated. When a situation such as this prevents itself, one is behooved to take stock of those parameters one does control and those which he does not, and then move on, for nothing comes of lamenting the past.

This logic may hold in isolation, but should it be applied to a set of like occurrences it quickly falls at the feet of a dui who cumulatively poses a far greater degree of fortitude than that of their victim. As the setbacks amount one is forced to question the fundamentals of ones motivation, to wonder if what one is seeking to do is indeed an ultimately pointless pursuit. Shortly thereafter one might consider the far easier option of simply collapsing into the current circumstance, I have not, and shall not submit to this, for these circumstances are not a set which I can accept, and so the fight must continue, no matter how hopeless it may feel.

Sparks

We all want things, and once we have our eye on something, we will usually put what meager force we have into acquiring it, this is human survival, and human greed in its most primitive and pure form. So what then of love? Are our desires to find and keep a mate a simple manifestation of this urge within us all, or have I zoomed in too far on one simple aspect of something far more complex? I don’t know yet, if you do, please feel free to share. I am not an oracle (nor anything like Larry Elison), this scarcity of foresight behooves me to draw from the few brief and fleeting experiences I’ve had which are representative of nothing, except perhaps the  four by four box that is my world view.

Love is like standing in a green field holding a wet match. This twig is now a token from which you might draw a memory from seconds prior where a magical spark held your gaze. It is likely that while you held the match, you had no intention for it to go out, you liked watching the flame dance, but if you’re anything like me, you saw this coming, which means you were prepared, you were strong, you could cope when the flame was extinguished. You hae logic and logic tells you that it’s impossible for anything to last forever. And then it goes, and your logic is lost somewhere in a sea of emotion that not even your highest and strongest walls of rationality could contain.

The reason it hurts is because the very act of falling in love, amongst other things means that you disregard your sense of self-preservation for a moment, in the hopes of finding something better, and each time I have done that, I have found something much more palatable than this lonely life I lead. It hurts because by this point the flame is gone, and you are back exactly where you started. I’m not saying this doesn’t hurt, it does, but it also means that at some point you get to light another match. I would prefer to stand in the field lighting matches into the wind, enjoying each spark as it exists. not staring down at the pile of expended sparks at my feet

So, to all my sparks past and future, thank you for fixating me

Darkness & Death, Light and Life

Were the constituents of this toxic soup un-bonded, eyes would gaze upon pools of selfishness, of pain, and of acceptance. To shun this to a margin would be preferable, but here it sits as a reminder of the stark contrast between preference and reality; and of the effect of time on the mind and soul. I have seen it alter, my only recourse now is to prey that it also heals. I have waded in this pool enough for now, and so the focus shall change to events and aspects made more palatable by virtue of their greater positivity.

As some of you will know, I have decided to recommence an IT degree through CPIT. I will be enrolling for semester 1 of 2011 despite my lack of clarity with respect to my specific undertakings thereafter. I do this knowing that U will inevitably face the same mathematical obstacle that stood before me once before, however this time, I feel I am better placed to conquer it, given my new found ability to correctly translate numbers between different bases. I also anticipate many other challenges , the likes of which I have yet to fathom, but I dare not perceive them lest they present themselves a threat to my forward progression.

Today I dispense of a great volume of copper. I rendered it to a merchant in exchange for properties in his possession. Specifically I have procured a Fisher and Paykel DishDraw, which shall be delivered tomorrow morning from the merchants stores to my abode, where it shall lie in wait for those who specialize in the taming of such creatures. I have it on somewhat dubious authority that these men shall press upon the kingdom on Wednesday morning, although the reliability of this particular sect remains to be seen.

Somewhere, A Pipe Has Broken

If you are reading this then my luck has changed. It seams due to some application and router issues TelstraClear cable has been down for me all day (0900 – 2301). I hope this resolves itself without me having to call support because support at TelstraClear has gone downhill in recent times due to it’s recent outsourcing to the Philippines. The CSRs have an annoying “so close to american, but not” voice that I really really hate. The silver lining to  all this is that TelstraClear’s network staff are permitted to talk on Twitter so there is a more direct interface with the people whose job it is to fix the problem and it is my preference to deal with these people rather than a CSR who can’t even convince me she knows anything more about the service she’s “supporting” than what’s written on her script.

I want my internet back. Indications are that service has been restored for some but not all at this stage. For now only the morning will tell whether I shall endure another day of frustrating disconnection from the world.

Software Trust #5: Always Wear Your Mask

When a user installs a product on his or her machine, a degree of trust is given to that application, and in return that application is required to meet some expectations. This series explores these expectations.

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Using a credit card on the internet generally requires that the person using the card know a card number, cardholder name, expiry date and a number printed somewhere on the card. This number is called the Credit Card Verification (CCV) number. It exists as a means to verify that a person has, or had physical possession of the card being used to make a purchase when a person is not physically present where the transaction takes place, such as when ordering over the phone or on the internet.

This mechanism provides some degree of security against corrupt merchants who obtain the other requisite information from a point of sale system. This system is not foolproof as it is possible for that shopkeeper to see the CCV number, but to do so they would have to handle the card in an atypical way, which may or may not arouse the suspicion of a customer.

People are becoming increasingly comfortable using the internet to conduct financial transactions, not just in their own homes, but in public places via portable or public computers. I’ve noticed recently that a lot of websites do not mask the value entered into the CCV field on online forms. Given that this number is entered in close visual proximity to the other information some observer may need to conduct a fraudulent transaction, one would be forgiven for the presumption that it behooved merchants to protect this field since the stated purpose of it is as a proof that the person conducting the transaction possesses the card.

I have also never been asked to provide a CCV number when ordering over the phone. One assumes that the reason for this is so that the CCV number is not disclosed to a third party which seams reasonable at face value, however, this calls into question why it’s not OK to disclose the number directly, but OK to more easily enable passive disclosure to anyone who may pass by your computer screen.

It’s not as though there is no precident for masking values meant to remain secret. Every major computer operating system ever developed has had some form of masking technique for sensitive fields, and other devices used in financial transactions such as ATMs and EFT terminals mask the values of PIN numbers in a similar fashion to how a password is masked on a computer

Is there some crucial point to all of this that I’ve missed? Or perhaps I am right in thinking that the payment processing industry has failed to enforce the same standards on the internet as they do everywhere else?

Hidden Cheese: Showing Hidden Toolbar And Menu Items in Visual Studio 2010 Express Edition

The Visual Studio Express Edition products are intended for the beginner and hobbyist programmer. For this reason they are configured to show only the most essential menu and toolbar items by default. While this is advantageous for a person new to Visual Studio, for those of us used to Visual Studio 2008 Express or one of the more full featured editions, many of these many items are well loved and sorely missed. To quickly unhide all of the toolbars and menu items that are hidden by default you can switch to Expert settings by clicking Tools –> Settings and choosing Expert Settings

Not hidden or magical by any means but something I hadn’t noticed until today that has made using Visual C# Express a lot easier for me, hopefully this post will save me or someone else frustration in the future.

A Brief Window

I am a free soul weighted by a heavy mind. I stare into the rolling fog with wise eyes that see nothing save murk. There is a horizon in the distance, but I sense for now I shall have to find a means to survive this ocean perturbed by forces unknown with motives uncertain.

My facial hair has grown to new and uncharted extremes, soon the time will come for a cull of all things fiber not withstanding that which delivers the byte that drives me.

I wish everyone peace and good cheer

!Assert.Fail(): The Smurf Guide To Safe Bomb Disposal

Tonight someone who shall remain nameless thought it pertinent to question and make hurtful remarks about the progress I have been making emotionally of late. I post this not as an act of spite or malice but as a reminder to myself that the world I live in is not the same one that is in my head, and that sometimes the interplay between the two can affect my state in either. I have issues. In the past these were the fuel for my depression and a major limiting factor to my general motivation and personal development. These fall into three distinct categories:

Unexploded Ordinances
These are issues which exist for a time but can easily be defused once and will never present a threat to me again. These are issues I can usually deal with myself or with minimal support from someone in my network.

Time Bombs
Are like unexploded ordnances in that they exist only until exploded (resolved),but they tend to be more complex issues, or sets with dependencies. I like to handle these ones on my own if I can,  but I’ll sometimes call for help if one is proving particularly menacing to defuse or is threatening to explode in my face

Dirty Bombs
Are extremely complex, very volatile, and like the uranium inside a dirty bomb, will produce mass disruption when detonated. These issues tend not to have a clear path to resolution. Like the half-life of uranium, these issues can continue to exist long after they initially surface. I tend to use professional counseling to deal with these issues as often they are hazardous to my health if disposed of in inappropriate ways.

The problem with hearing these things was that they called into question the legitimacy of the happiness I have found. This was not intended to hurt me, but did because it caused me to re-evaluate my happiness in the context of the issues I have which I have not yet resolved, many of which were Dirty Bombs. I have the remaining issues mentally segregated so that I can deal with them individually in small amounts so that I don’t de-stabilize myself. The revaluation these remarks provoked caused this containment to be violated and the issues began to mix and form something akin to the green toxic sludge in DOOM

I felt the toxicity begin to build. Rather than submit to it, I waited and found a new and surprisingly effective means to survive. I wrote a list of things that make me feel good and another of issues that I feel still need to be resolved. I don’t want to post the lists here but to demonstrate my progress of late the good list had 7 items, each of which was fairly significant in contributing to my happiness. The issues list had 4 items. Only one of those I feel will be difficult to solve.

I have come a long way. I can’t stop people attacking me, but I can’t let them take what I have worked so hard to gain either. I hope I’m reminded of this post the next time I need to restore my internal state

Money Is Not a Universe

“You can only lean, on me for so long”

Oh…a reader. How unexpected. Time matches on, and at almost 1 000 seconds past the hour I wait for transit to places more procedural. At the behest of those who indulge in the anal obedience of legislative subsections, I must be assessed. This assessment shall come at the hand of a learned stranger of medical pedagogy. Based upon his assuredly shallow knowledge of me and my operational parameters, recommendations must be made to the enforcers about which of a select set of vocations I am likely to acclimate to with a reasonable chance of success.

At a point in time ancestral to the current point, a second bureaucrat was dispatched to glean information from me about which vocations I had considered and in what ways I was qualified for them. While my interest in all thing compu-tastic was noted, the bureaucrat felt it best to call into question vocations less amenable to my favor, including that which I detest to the point of declaring it’s moral repugnance: Telemarketing. This bureaucrat, knowing not of my fantastic innards, hath the insolence to suggest that I might be reduced to receiving pittance for pedaling goods in which I did not believe, while having the righteous wrath of those whose dinner I’d disturbed thrust upon me. You all know that I would prefer death to this, and I told the bureaucrat in terms likely to bring  visions of a definition similar to HD content to her mind which would not comply with the relevant legislation.

While in the presence of this minion I await, I intend to use any and all means I might command in order to affix my intention to work with computers at the forefront of his mind with respect to my very existence. All of this being said, if all the parameters bare desirable values, then it may be that I am placed in some part time work. While I consider work to be a desirable addition to my life and a milestone in my own progression, I feel it is not unreasonable to perform work to which I sit ethically opposed and hence refuse to be made party to such activities easily.

The world is now a slimy heaving mass. This creature is motivated only by the rapid accrual of monetary wealth and will sacrifice all other things, be they material or immaterial for it. While I know that at some point I too will feed this beast as society demands, I choose to do so in a way I consider constructive of something good. Moral strength is a tenant of an honorable man and as I grow I see this becoming unceasingly more important to hold on to as the world around me becomes more selfish and corrupt.