Revolt Against The Edible Imposter

Dear Reader

An imposter is among us, an imposter who is so insidious, so evil, that I, the greatest and best ultimate future leader of the entire universe must bring it to your attention before it causes serious harm.

The imposter I speak of, it will not steal your credit card, nor your identity, nor your family, this most horrible of things would not settle for the targets of any average garden variety imposter, this creature aims to invade your senses, it will render upon your taste buds the most horrid of horrid tastes.

It preys on the innocent sausage loving public, hiding on supermarket shelves incognito, waiting for an ill-informed consumer to pick it up, pay for it and prepare it to be eaten; the second you rest it upon your tongue, the sausage facade shall melt leaving you, the poor consumer to writhe in the full horror and gore of gastronomic genocide.

My friends, this sausage is not a sausage, it travels the universe under many an alias, including but not limited to:

• Little Boy
• Frankfurter

This sausage imposter must be stopped, it’s inards bring shame to the fine family of meat products we know as a sausage, I implore the reader, do not buy these horid beasts.

 

I thank you for your support in this matter

Regards

Smurf

Ask Smurf – #0 Intro

I am the greatest and best, in the interest of spreading my greatness I have decided to create a section which I have dubbed Ask Smurf, if you have a question relating to technology, here is where I will do my best to answer it for you.

 

If you have a question for me, email it to crippledsmurf[at]gmail[dot]com, make sure you put “Ask Smurf” in the subject line,

Cravings

I have a craving for burger king. When I am ruler of the universe, I will be the king of all things including but not limited to burgers, however until such a time as all the people of the world realise that I am the greatest and best thing ever, I am forced to rely on other people for my burger related needs.

In every group of people, there is one person that likes to question things, I bet your that person, which means you’d be saying something like “why don’t you just go to a burger king”, well, first of all, we don’t have one, which is funny, we were supposed to get one, but we don’t have one, despite the fact we have plenty of pimply faced idiots of the caliber necessary to provide the sub-standard service we have all come to expect of establishments such as burger king.

Somebody in the marketing department for Australia recently came up with the slogan “where the bloody hell are you?” As much as I hate that saying, it’s aptly applicable here; I want to know where the bloody hell my burger king is, and furthermore, just who the bloody hell do they think they are causing an entire town, 25 000 people* to drive for an hour and a quarter just to get that flame grilled taste.

and now, I’m off to eat a paddle pop, so we will continue this when I get back

I’m back from that delicious chocolate-based interlude, glad your still here, now, where was I, oh yeah, burger king. There always telling me that I can “have it my way”, I’d like to say they aren’t lying, but  I can’t, not only do they have the nerve to make me drive an hour and a quarter, then, they tell me I must choose from there pre-selected meals, that, trendsetters’, is not my way.

Maybe I should ask mum if we can have burgers tonight, I doubt we will, I don’t think she has ingredients which is an unfortunate and very annoying set of circumstances, I’d really really like a burger.

And I’ve just overheard that we are having sausages for dinner, while I’m sure they will be excellent, that does dash my hopes for burgers this eve.

You’ve been a great audience, drive safe and I’ll see you next time

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Did You Know

Burger King’s first restaurant, originally called Insta Burger King, was opened on December 4, 1954 in a suburb of Miami, Florida, USA by James McLamore and David Edgerton

Streets introduced the Paddle Pop in 1953

In 2004, the comedy television program CNNNN featured a satirical skit about the presenter’s permeation of Australian media, named the Eddie McGuire Virus. The 12th Man also suggested Eddie plays Humphrey B. Bear in the Humphrey B Bear suit

Today

How’s your day been?, mines been good thanks for asking, I woke up a little late, but earlier than usual. 11:42 AM is reasonable isn’t it? I’ve been looking at courses from Aoeraki Polytechnic, I think I’d like to do a web design course, it’s not my strong point, but I am vaguely familiar with a few technologies I that area, so it won’t be too painful and I should;d hopefully learn something in the process, plus a few cool people i know do web design.

I have a new favorite song at the moment, it’s called Animals, it’s by Nickleback, I am so much cooler than Nickleback, they just happen to be better than me at playing musical instruments, that’s not a crime, it will be when i am the greatest and best emperor of all the universe, but I’m not right now, when I am you’ll all know.

I had strange dreams in the entrails of my sleep. I was sitting  in a room overlooking snowy mountains, looking out of a window, I could see a series of ariels, i asked her what they were for. she didn’t answer and I woke.

I think we are having wedges for dinner, we have a lot of those in the freezer, wedges are like Bill Cozby coated in chocolate, for those of you who haven’t had the pleasure of ingesting Bill Cozy while he is coated in chocolate, you won’t know he’s both wholesome and delicious, with seven whole grains and fibre, he’s a great way to start the day.

My god, that sounded like brand power, with that stupid stupid women who has that idiotic way of just sliding in and out of shot at appropriate times, I hate sliding, it reminds me of Steve Parr, who reminds me of several other things I hate.

There’s a petition going around supported by an MP asking the government to add a month to daylight savings time.

 If that MP were here, I’d look at him, I’d  use my eyes to do that, but before I looked, I’d make sure my eyes were beady and evil looking, then I would flex the muscles around my throat and to create utterances which would sound something like, “Why are you doing this, you, politician type of person with your evil evil tan suit?, what are you doing with the extra hour, is the hour becoming extinct, are you taking all the ours away to some island where they can breed?

If you were as cool as me, which your not, you’d be watching heroes, if you are, good, that shows cool, if you’re not, well, I’d really rather not discuss what happens if you’re not, lets just say it  involves a highly unorthodox use for a corkscrew.

And that, my dear friends, is my rant for today.

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Did You Know?

That Steve Par hosted Sale of the Century, and also appeared on What Now from 1981-1982.

That Brand Power is the evil spawn of Butchman Group

Indian Standard Time is the time observed throughout India, with a time offset of UTC+5:30.

Redemption of the Bea Minions

I spent last night and the early hours of yesterday morning in the company of the Windows XP Home Edition installer.  In order for the reader to understand why I might like to deprive myself of stimulation and sleep at this time of the morning I must take you back to 180^2 days ago.

I was running Windows XP Home Edition.  On this particular day, a sizable proportion of my collection of beas, which I graciously provided a rent-free, warm home inside the case of my computer, decided they were dirty dirty fascists, the rebel beas apparently wanted to thwart my attempts to rule this planet. 

My computer, loyal only to my regime, protected me from the infidels  by presenting me with a blue screen containing the words CORRUPT_HIVE.

I was pissed, my insect minions had the audacity to turn against me, something had to be done, no minion could  ever disobey me and live.

My shrimp cannon was out of order, so I instructed my computer to annihilate anything on the surface of the metal platter on which the beas maintained their homes.

After the automated genocide was complete, I installed Windows Server 2003, and ordered more beas. Windows Server 2003 is generally used by corporations, I figured corporate-minded beas would be far more obedient .

The only problem is that Windows Server 2003 is expensive, I being the cash-strapped future ruler of the universe that I am, can only afford the 180-day trial version of the software, which was due to die shortly.

One can not be expected to stop one’s planes for global domination every 180 days, I could use Windows XP Professional, which I know from experience is a superb Bea-controller, however it wouldn’t be legal on that particular computer, and we don’t need people investigating our evil activities do we.

I am now back to the domesticated beas I originally purged, they took some convincing, but for now it seams they are willing to obey my orders.

James’ Goodbye Dinner

Tonight was James’ final night in New Zealand and mum decided it was necessary to go out to dinner.  I’m not exactly sure why we went out, going out usually implies we have something to celebrate, James’ leaving is not something I particularly want to celebrate.

We went to the Criterion, a pub in the Historic Precinct owned by Maggie and John with whom our family has established a friendly relationship, we ate in the snug, away from the noise of the bar, but close enough to still experience the atmosphere of a pub on Friday night.

 

For starters we shared a “nibbles platter”, which consisted of spring rolls and various fish products which had been fried,there were also mushrooms, however I did bot partake in those as I don’t particularly enjoy the flavor of cooked fungi, I did partake in a spring roll, a fried shrimp, and a few onion rings while enjoying pre-dinner conversation.

The injestion of the nibbles platter was completed very quickly and we each huddled over our respective menus as we chose our main courses.

I had a steak burger with salad and french fries, not the wafer thin kind that the McFucks at McDonalds attempt to classify as food, each one was substantial, filled with actual potato and seasoned with something I like to call salt, which only served to increase my enjoyment of the morcils, and thus the rate at which I consumed them.

The burger was equally as delicious, the steak resting between the two buns was cooked to a degree with which I could not be displeased, and the salad which rested upon the steak was not dead or wilting, and so I can be noting but satisfied with the meal as a whole.

As we each finished our respective main, we engaged in conversation, centered around topics such as house building, design and global warming.

For those of you who have not had the pleasure of dining with me, I should warn you, I am a messy eater, dessert for me, is a typically messy affair, and so my choice of Mud Cake for dessert conjured up memories of past dessert eating occasions; this behooved my mother to jokingly ask John whether they had a bib I could use, he obliged by fetching a tea towl from the kitchen and placing it around the correct bib-support sections of my anatomy.

He then retreated to the food cooking den to prepare my dessert, which I might add was delicious, all in all i had a thoroughly good meal, and an equally good time.

 

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Did You Know

1. Oamaru is famous for renaming limestone after itself
2. Oamaru used to be a major trading town
3. Oamaru is a nesting place for Little Blue Penguins
4. El Greco was a prominent painter, sculptor and architect of the Spanish Renaissance

The Produce Son Returns

Yes, that’s right, I’m back, you people probably have about elenty million questions for me (eleventy million is a big number I like to use sometimes, it helps me to express amounts which are larger than human comprehension permits)

How was everyone’s Xmas? Mine was great thanks for asking, what did you get?, HA! is that all, my presents were way cooler than yours, your parents must hate you, its the only logical explanation.

James is here, that’s always good, he’s leaving tomorrow, but like every school-aged child on the last day of summer holidays (that day is fast approaching) we are trying not to think about that.

 

More recently I’ve tried to apply for a job, I need a job, I need money, the person offered the job in the paper, I responded in writing as was requested, the person who shall remain nameless (only because I don’t know the persons name. 

I don’t want to call him Bob or Mr. X because all the worlds fair and balanced news sources do that and you may get him confused with one of the child rapist Mr. X’s they mention – and Bob – Bob is a crap name and I make no apologies for that, see, here’s me not apologizing.- If your name is Bob – your parents obviously didn’t care enough to name you something decent (like Brad) and probably only kept you because they couldn’t have you shot at birth – but I digress)

In any case,the person who I am not referring to as Mr. X – the job offerer – who is not a child rapist or any other kind of rapist for that matter – has not responded, does this mean that Mr. X thinks i am not the right person for the job, i don’t know, but I’ll keep you posted

What does that mean, keep you posted, does it mean that i am to carefully impale you with a post so as not to damage, corrupt, bribe or negatively influence your vital organs? – and when I do post you – for how long should  i keep you posted?, do you get unposted for the various official holidays? – but again i digress.

 

That’s all there is – there isn’t any more

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Did You Know

There were 4 brackets in this post

There were far too many commas – i stopped counting at 8

There was one exclamation mark

that the Nikolayevsk Incident, in which Japanese people were killed by Bolshevik revolutionaries, was pretext for the invasion of Sakhalin

OK, go now, there isn’t;t any more to read, people will think your crazy if you just sit there, they’ll call you Bob