Defecating Upon The Pie

 Some years before the invention of tin foil, some old people decided that we should to use our cake-holes for something other than the age old treasured practice of ingesting cake.

After some debate it was decided, we should use the aforementioned hole for the purpose of speaking to one another.

 Some old folks set off in search of languages, they found them, stole various raw ingredients, placed them in a greased baking tray and baked for half an hour at 180°C (gas mark 2), and they got a glorious pie, English pie.

The centuries past, and everyone added their own topping to the pie, and then the ’70s arrived, big hair and bellbottoms were the least of our concern, for in the ’70’s a threat to our glorious pie did rear its ugly head, a threat that threatened to throw the pie in the faces of our ancestors who stole the ingredients for the pie in the first place.

A small group of people started mating different combinations of syllables and words, causing strange mutant sentences to be born, sentences like “I didn’t do nothing” and strange grammar, like ending each sentence not with a full stop, but with a strange word like “aye” or “bro”.

If I were the ruler of the world when our language began being defecated upon, I would decree that

“Any man caught defecating upon the pie in public or private, regardless of whether or not it is Thursday, shall be hung, drawn and quartered, and the quarters shall be fed to a moose who has passed wind on the third day of the second month as long as that day is Tuesday”

Unfortunately, I was not, and these people are allowed to continue to breathe.  I don’t like these people, they have created a sect, only those willing to speak in their barstardised dialect are to understand them, this will eventually divide society into two groups – those who you can understand – and those you cannot.

The divide will eventually cause the end of the human race in one of two ways

  1. The two sides of the pie will begin a massive conflict to decide the lingua franca, this war will consume every one and everything on the planet.
  2. The two sides of the pie will segregate into two separate societies, the lack of genetic diversity in each will eventually cause the extinction of both sides

Which way do we go – I know – but you’ll have no fun finding out if i tell you


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