Well, it’s now Monday, it’s almost 2:30 and I’m not sure how I’m feeling. I got my leavers certificate from school the other day so I really should get mum to fill out my university application and mail it so I can apply for accommodation .
Remove the last three letters from university (and add an E) and you have the root of all my fear, the universe.
If I fail university, then I’m completely fucked; without university I have no qualifications, without qualifications I cant get a job, without a job I live on a benefit, becoming one of those who sap from society, the thought makes me sick, I’d rather die than do that.
All this pressure is eating me, pressure from myself, from my family, I have to succeed here, I have no other options and no escape.
My mother and the various other people who have raised me have given me so much, and for my entire life thus far, university has been the tiny spec on the horizon, now, as the spec grows ever closer, I cant fail these people, or myself, but I’m scared that I will, I don’t like where that leads, I have a list of places I never want to be, and failure at university is like following a GPS to get to every one of them, if I fail university, then I’m a failure, to myself and everyone around me.
I haven’t slept properly for the last few weeks, partly for stress, but mostly because of the 3 AM re-runs of Gilmore Girls, it seams ridiculous that such a show should air at such a ridiculous time.
I can’t think of anything more to write, feel free to stop reading, this is where the words end, if you keep going I have no idea where you’ll end up.