It’s midnight again, I feel a need to escape my own consciousness. I just want to close my eyes, and let complex things like code overtake the heaving mass of concerns perpetually building in my brain.
I received a large logoed envelope from CPIT today, it was filled with documentation and a selection of emotions, which, despite being rational and warranted, are far from welcome at this juncture.
The process of change is a precise, delicate and completely fucking mad dance we all must perform, which evokes within me feelings of loathing and rapture for the result.
While it does seam wise to make another attempt to educate myself for my own future benefit, I must acknowledge a growing sense of doubt based on my previous failed attempt to study at university.
I fear potential failure here due to the long term financial ramifications connected with an investment of this size.
Once I leave rehab, I will be forced to deal with the realities of the real world, including increased financial commitment.
I worry that if I fail at CPIT and loose the invested monies, I will be under great financial pressure due to higher expenses and a relatively small income, combined with my inability to obtain a good job without qualification, this is a potentially disastrous situation.
I am resigned to the fact that I have no control over, and therefore must accept these pressures. I shall try and do my best at CPIT and hopefully I will get qualified and start work which should relieve the financial pressure considerably.