Finding The Undefined

It’s 6:30 AM and I’ve been awake all night considering my future. It is becoming extremely difficult to continue entertaining the possibility that I might pass my course this year and as this realization sinks in my motivation to peruse it further decreases exponentially.

The resolution to this type of problem in it’s most simplistic form is equally as simplistic, one should move on and find other things to peruse, however this is a rather crucial decision that will impact the rest of my existence and therefore such a simple outcome can not be applied here.

Thankfully there are a few constants available to me in my consideration which do make establishing some truths significantly easier:

  1. Even if I were to fail I would have the continued support of my immediate family and those with whom I associate closely
  2. Nothing that I have discovered thus far in my existence fulfills me as much as working with computers and I would feel a deep sense of personal failure that is likely to affect my emotional state in the medium to long term
  3. Living without some form of paid employment is not a life I would wish to live under any circumstances
    1. Despite this I know from previous experience that I can’t kill myself nor do I think I would be motivated to try again assuming it’s possible to find a new source of self-fulfillment, one impossibility should not determine any others

When evaluated as a set these constants cause the existence if the strabge indeterminate state I am currently in. I have progressed to the point where I can accept the possibility of  failure as a reality, yet in so doing I place in question my reason for existence, which obviously presents a very complex and important moral dilemma, the solution to which has proven elusive thus far


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