I am extremely stressed, to the point where I may actually cry if one more little thing is added to the massive stack I currently support. I can’t help but feel almost entirely unsupported here which doesn’t help as I’m feeling more and more like my life has veered off down a giant hill with a pit of failure at the bottom.
The two major things upsetting me at the moment are the fact that I’m not doing that well overall in my course. This is extremely stressful and upsetting because this is like my 4th attempt at getting qualified and nothing has been successful yet, it makes me wonder if I should give up on IT altogether, which itself is a scary thought because then I have nothing to fulfill me and I feel as though my life is worthless.
Compounding this problem is the fact that I may be developing RSI, even if I’m not writing software, computers are absolutly vital to my existence both socially and for communication and while I know there are other input methods, anybody who has used a computer seriously knows that all other input methods fail by comparison to the keyboard
The other major source of stress is the move and a;; the things surrounding it, while I know the details need time to be sorted out the stressful thing is when I consider it in relation to everything else and how crappy a situation that leaves me in
- No job
- No qualifications
- Failing my course
- Potentially no use of computers
- No real friends in Christchurch
- Family aren’t here
- No point moving back home
- No other path in life besides computers, even my backups are gone if i can’t use my hands and I haven’t even began to consider how it would affect my independence
- I’m very lonely
- I don’t like clubs and groups of any kind, the concept just makes me feel a bit sick inside
- I can’t kill myself so I’m trapped in this horrible mess.
- I shouldn’t even be alive in the first place – I was supposed to die, humans meddled with the situation, even though their hearts were in the right place,, this world is not really designed accommodate people like me and it shows
Ok that last point is pretty harsh clearly I am alive and I guess thats a good thing but life is looking very bleak at the moment and I can’t see a way out of this unfolding mess.