A Scary, Dark Loop

I’ve had enough of the world today, had enough of life, had enough of being trapped, inside a useless body with a brain just not useless enough to allow me to realise that at least part of it is completly fucking useless. I’ve been alive for 20 years and I have achieved almost nothing.

Let me stop and make clear what I mean by that statement. I have DONE a lot of things, but simply doing things does not in my view amount to an accomplishment. An accomplishment is something that not everyone can do or that significant investment beyond normal levels is required to achieve, and that investment must lead to the enhancement of the person, his life, and in rare cases the lives of others, I have done none of these things

With a few small exceptions everything that others say I have “achieved” is false, not because I made no effort or had to do no work to gain results, but because what I gained is only a relative improvement, everything I have achieved means i am less broken, less broken is good because it brings me closer to the capabilities of people without a disability, but parity is not an achievement, parity is the basis of achievements, to advance you must start from some point, in the 20 years I’ve lived I haven’t managed to reach the point from which everyone else started, so while I may get closer, I have achieved nothing with respect to my personal goals.

This is increasingly depressing, the depression comes from two inter-related ideas:

  1. Academic Failure & Isolation
    Every path I have attempted to take toward the academic qualifications necessary for me to do what I want to do has lead to failure, failure itself is acceptable if you can learn from it in a useful way, unfortunately all I have gained is the knowledge that because of my limited math ability, very few paths are open to me, in IT or anywhere else.
  2. Repetition: To fail and learn from it you have to be able to find a path toward improvement based on the failure, all I’ve learned is that I could spend most of my life trying to achieve parity ad I’m not likely to get far, so I’m now completely without any sort of path in life, with math a requirement for everything and manual labour out of the question, where do I turn? and without a job, what am I here for?

And that is the loop I seam to be stuck in, and in an ironic twist it occurs to me that writing about this has also achieved nothing with respect to solving the problem, I’m still totally fucking trapped


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