I’ve not written for a very long time, and I make no apologies for that. I’ve just recently come out of a very intense depression that has lasted a few years. My depression had some very complicated roots relating to everything from my self-image and independence through to aspects of my stare of mind and physical environment on any given day.
That was then, this is now, and this post is here to tell the world that Smurf is alive, well, and finally living a real life. There is much news to tell, but to begin we must venture back to the recent past. After leaving rehab at LFT I moved into my first flat in Waltham where I met some great, and some not so great people. I’ve spent the last nine months living there until I received an offer from Housing New Zealand for a two bedroom flat where I currently reside on my own.
One of the most pervasive and recurring themes of my life has been fear of change, and of the unknown, I feel it when doing both mundane and extraordinary things. I felt it when I moved into rehab at both Burwood and LFT and then again when moving into my last flat in Waltham.
The latest move is special in that gaining my own space and freedom I have not felt fear nor depression but empowerment and the happiness that comes only when one realizes that one truly has control of, and responsibility for all the determining factors in one’s life.
This realization came not as the gradual transition to adulthood does, but as a wave, while looking around my lounge and realizing that I was free to do exactly as I pleased. When one reaches this point one is faced with a question: “What do I choose?”
Ostensibly, this question appears rather simple to answer, until one attempts to find that answer. In doing so, I’ve realized that this question is not one for which there is an answer, but one for which the answer must be constantly re-evaluated in order to make the best of the choice available at any given moment.
On the subject of goals, I am still working toward a Microsoft certification with a view to becoming a software developer. I have approached study with renewed focus of late which despite a lack of enthusiasm for the content itself, particularly with respect to regular expressions which are sort of like the digital equivalent of nuclear weapons, they are a source of great power (destructive or otherwise) and must be handled with the utmost care and respect.
I’m feeling a lot happier than I have for a very long time. I’m also feeling a lot more confident because I feel my current state has longevity because it has arrived as the result of positive long-term changes. I will try to write more regularly but I can’t make any promises because though I am now content in my own skin, I’m not sure whether others want to read about it. 😛