Tonight someone who shall remain nameless thought it pertinent to question and make hurtful remarks about the progress I have been making emotionally of late. I post this not as an act of spite or malice but as a reminder to myself that the world I live in is not the same one that is in my head, and that sometimes the interplay between the two can affect my state in either. I have issues. In the past these were the fuel for my depression and a major limiting factor to my general motivation and personal development. These fall into three distinct categories:
These are issues which exist for a time but can easily be defused once and will never present a threat to me again. These are issues I can usually deal with myself or with minimal support from someone in my network.
Are like unexploded ordnances in that they exist only until exploded (resolved),but they tend to be more complex issues, or sets with dependencies. I like to handle these ones on my own if I can, but I’ll sometimes call for help if one is proving particularly menacing to defuse or is threatening to explode in my face
Are extremely complex, very volatile, and like the uranium inside a dirty bomb, will produce mass disruption when detonated. These issues tend not to have a clear path to resolution. Like the half-life of uranium, these issues can continue to exist long after they initially surface. I tend to use professional counseling to deal with these issues as often they are hazardous to my health if disposed of in inappropriate ways.
The problem with hearing these things was that they called into question the legitimacy of the happiness I have found. This was not intended to hurt me, but did because it caused me to re-evaluate my happiness in the context of the issues I have which I have not yet resolved, many of which were Dirty Bombs. I have the remaining issues mentally segregated so that I can deal with them individually in small amounts so that I don’t de-stabilize myself. The revaluation these remarks provoked caused this containment to be violated and the issues began to mix and form something akin to the green toxic sludge in DOOM
I felt the toxicity begin to build. Rather than submit to it, I waited and found a new and surprisingly effective means to survive. I wrote a list of things that make me feel good and another of issues that I feel still need to be resolved. I don’t want to post the lists here but to demonstrate my progress of late the good list had 7 items, each of which was fairly significant in contributing to my happiness. The issues list had 4 items. Only one of those I feel will be difficult to solve.
I have come a long way. I can’t stop people attacking me, but I can’t let them take what I have worked so hard to gain either. I hope I’m reminded of this post the next time I need to restore my internal state